No Joe Schmos for Chelsea Handler: 'I'd Chew Him Up and Spit Him Out'

Anyone familiar with Chelsea Handler knows that she loves to play elaborate practical jokes on her family and friends that are often deliciously malevolent and always hilarious. Now a number of her victims are getting their day to fight back. In her new book, 'Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me,' several of them -- including her brother and dog -- tell their side of the story. Chelsea's defense? "It's not my fault that people are so stupid. I like to tell ridiculous lies about things that are really silly."

We reached Handler on the phone for a chat about her reputation as a loudmouth, how boredom is to blame for her practical jokery, and she offers her realization that she's just not suited to date a "regular Joe Schmo."

"I'd probably chew him up and spit him out," she said about Mr. Schmo. "Although I was doing that before. I'm not easy. I'm difficult to be in a relationship with. I'm not that feminine, I'm kind of a little bit too direct for some men but that's good because those men don't like me anyway so they don't even come near me."

So this is genius. You'll have another best seller and you didn't have to do all the work.
Well, I had to do some work, just not as much as I would normally do. I definitely had to do some. First I had to read all the chapters and make sure nobody was saying anything disparaging about me which happened to be in every chapter so then I was like, 'Oh shit.' I was trying to figure out a way to do less work. I started my own imprint and my publishers were eager for me to get another book out right away and I didn't think I could do it so quickly again so we came up with this idea. We thought it would be funny to have everybody's point of view of being in any sort of relationship with me and how volatile that can be.

Everybody says to me, 'I can't believe those stories from your books, are they real?' and now it's actual proof from other people that yes, I didn't make any of this stuff up, it's all true.

Why do you love practical jokes so much?
Just because I'm bored, I'm not really challenging myself at work so I have to come up with other ways to amuse myself.

But you were doing them when you were a kid.
Yeah but I was working too. I took a good look at my family and went, 'Ok I'm going to have to get out of this mess.' My parents were a perfect example of not what to do. I definitely got my work ethic from watching them not working.

At this point do any of your friends or family even believe a word you say?
Um, well it's kind of reached its pinnacle I think, especially with the book coming out it's kind of like the boy who cried wolf. I don't know, I have to come up with more creative ways to play jokes on people, now everyone knows right away when I start talking to stop paying attention.

What's your favorite chapter?
My dog wrote a chapter for the book so that's a cute one but I like my brothers chapters the best, it gives you really good insight. It's funny to hear how they knew from the time I could speak I was going to be a giant asshole. I had a very loud mouth, very sarcastic from the minute I could speak. I guess you're just born that way, Lady Gaga is right.

Did your parents get a lot of grief about you when you were a kid?
Oh yeah, all the time. I was in trouble all the time and in school too. I was in constant detention, laughing constantly in class and making fun of the teachers. I was always bad. I just knew once I got out of school that my life would change.

Did you feel they were all a bunch of idiots?
Yeah, I thought everyone was really stupid.

Has that sentiment really changed?
No, I still think everybody's really stupid, myself included.

Any practical jokes you've thought about doing but then stopped yourself?
Recently there's been a fad going through the office where Josh Wolf, one of the regulars on my TV show, takes his testicles and rubs them on people's clothing items and office equipment. So half way through the day they'll be using their computer mouse and he'll come in and show them a video of him doing the actual act. I was like, 'You guys can do that on your time. I'm going to allow it but I don't want to see it.' We just had a respect in the workplace seminar, they're onto us.

Did you go?
I didn't go obviously. I don't show up for those events. I called and told them I was going to have diarrhea that day.

You're dating that hotel guy (Andre Balazs) right?
That's what I hear.

Is it purely for the presidential suites?
No, I try not to stay in anyone's hotel who I'm dating. I don't want to give them any extra business.

Your dating life has made the news the last couple of years.
I know, I guess it's the people I'm choosing to date. I just meet people either on my show or people who are introduced to me. I've got to cast a wider net I guess if I want to go out with a regular Joe Schmo.

I can't see that happening.
No, I can't either, I'd probably chew him up and spit him out. Although I was doing that before. I'm not easy. I'm difficult to be in a relationship with. I'm not that feminine, I'm kind of a little bit too direct for some men but that's good because those men don't like me anyway so they don't even come near me.

Still BF's with Jennifer Aniston?
Well we're friends. I don't really have a best friend.

Is she in the top 5?
I don't know about that. I don't really numerically order my friends but that's something to think about, thank you.

Source: http://www.popeater.com/2011/05/16/chelsea-handler-dating-lies-that-chelsea-handler-told-me/

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